“You’ve been a naughty girl”
“I’m such a bad boy”
“I want to do terrible things to you”
Anyone who’s spent time around kinky people will be familiar with phrases like these. But I want to know why it all has to be so sex-negative?
I think spanking during sex is mighty good fun – and I’m lucky enough to have partners who agree with me. So I find it curious that it is almost always spoken of as “bad” or “naughty.”
Sure, it’s all part of the excitement; the role playing; the taboo. Many people find that the most exciting thing about kinky sex. But does it always have to be taboo to be exciting? And even when it is taboo, does it really have to be spoken about in such a negative light?
When I’m having a discussion about sex I always emphasise that it should be done openly and honestly, avoiding negative euphemisms such as “doing the dirty.” Every sex-positive activist, writer & educator will encourage people not to be ashamed or fearful of their sexuality, despite what our predominantly Christian culture would have us do.
Yet the topic of sex-negative words in kink is so rarely broached, even in the odd circles I debate with. No-one thinks to pull people up on the associations made between fetish and “bad” behaviour – it’s dismissed as being part of the culture and the fetish, or that it is ok because everyone involved understands what is really meant.
I disagree. Not only does the pervasive use of sex-negative language perpetuate a negative perspective on sex and sexuality, it also undermines the BDSM community’s battle for acceptance.
All I ask is for kinky folks to experiment a little more. Humour me, and try talking as shamelessly about your fetish as you feel about it?
Picture the scene – you get home from work and your partner has made you a delicious meal, opened a bottle of wine, put candles on the table and dressed up. You have a wonderful meal, then slide into the boudoir for some intimate time together.
But when they strip off to show their sexy underwear, you don’t tell them how naughty they are – oh no! You keep telling them how wonderful they are, and that you’re going to do wonderful things to them. Then you throw them on the bed and spank the hell out of that bum.
First published in The Skinny issue 74, November 2011