"You're a Naughty Boy" is sex-negative

I Am Not A Naughty Boy

“You’ve been a naughty girl”

“I’m such a bad boy”

“I want to do terrible things to you”

Anyone who’s spent time around kinky people will be familiar with phrases like these. But I want to know why it all has to be so sex-negative?

I think spanking during sex is mighty good fun – and I’m lucky enough to have partners who agree with me. So I find it curious that it is almost always spoken of as “bad” or “naughty.”

Sure, it’s all part of the excitement; the role playing; the taboo. Many people find that the most exciting thing about kinky sex. But does it always have to be taboo to be exciting? And even when it is taboo, does it really have to be spoken about in such a negative light?

When I’m having a discussion about sex I always emphasise that it should be done openly and honestly, avoiding negative euphemisms such as “doing the dirty.” Every sex-positive activist, writer & educator will encourage people not to be ashamed or fearful of their sexuality, despite what our predominantly Christian culture would have us do.

Yet the topic of sex-negative words in kink is so rarely broached, even in the odd circles I debate with. No-one thinks to pull people up on the associations made between fetish and “bad” behaviour – it’s dismissed as being part of the culture and the fetish, or that it is ok because everyone involved understands what is really meant.

I disagree. Not only does the pervasive use of sex-negative language perpetuate a negative perspective on sex and sexuality, it also undermines the BDSM community’s battle for acceptance.

All I ask is for kinky folks to experiment a little more. Humour me, and try talking as shamelessly about your fetish as you feel about it?

Picture the scene – you get home from work and your partner has made you a delicious meal, opened a bottle of wine, put candles on the table and dressed up. You have a wonderful meal, then slide into the boudoir for some intimate time together.

But when they strip off to show their sexy underwear, you don’t tell them how naughty they are – oh no! You keep telling them how wonderful they are, and that you’re going to do wonderful things to them. Then you throw them on the bed and spank the hell out of that bum.

First published in The Skinny issue 74, November 2011

2 thoughts on “I Am Not A Naughty Boy

  1. I totally agree. It annoys me too. Although when I’m a “bad girl” it’s normally because I’ve been disobedient or cheeky so it’s a bit different.

  2. Just bumped into this post, and I (mostly) have to agree. I’ve occasionally ranted about toppy partners who fail to understand that, for me, pain is a reward and not a punishment.
    There is one certain lady I know right now who really *gets it*, and will say things like ‘Oh you’ve been such a good girl, you deserve a spanking! You’d like that, wouldn’t you?’ and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy thinking about it (and reminds me I need to draw more comics before I see her next, so I can get good-girl spanks!).

    I usually hate the association of something I enjoy with the negative of being ‘bad’, and I’ve had major rows with partners who put me in no-win situations, forcing me either to behave badly, or forego ‘punishment’. (And this is just a part of why I mostly dom or top these days) But…

    On the other hand, the psychology gets a little more complicated at times… ‘bratting’ is fun, when it’s harmless and playful – and then it is fun to be ‘naughty’. ‘Torture’ games rather require that the ‘torturer’ be at least somewhat ‘evil’, and to take that away would be to take away the power of the scene, I think. But even with the ‘bad’ and ‘naughty’ and ‘evil’ in these scenes, it’s not the *sex* that’s bad or naughty, and I think that’s the most important thing to me. Nobody gets spanked for being ‘slutty’ or otherwise sexual in my world (unless they’re being rewarded for it).

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